Still Moving

 Lately, I have been struggling.

Not in a dramatic way. Not in a woe is me way. Just honestly struggling to balance everything that has been piling up at once.

I was supposed to have content out already for this upcoming event. I had the plans. I had the structure. But the motivation just has not been there. Part of that is because we got hit with some bad news recently, news I am not ready to talk about yet. On top of that, I am still recovering physically and mentally from being sick, and I am realizing now that recovery does not end just because your body starts functioning again.

That is the part that messes with your head.

When you are trying to change for the better. When you are putting systems in place. When you are actually doing the work and still feel like things are falling apart, it makes you start questioning yourself. I get these thoughts sometimes, and I am tired of them. Especially when, on paper, things are going well.

I recently had a long conversation with my mom about support, or the lack of it. About how transactional some relationships feel. About how that cuts deeper than people realize. Sometimes it feels like people did not expect me to get this far or did not take what I was building seriously until it was already standing. Maybe that is part of growth. Realizing that not everyone who knows you is equipped to support the version of you that is evolving.

As this business grows, I am learning that I have to be more aware. More forward thinking. I have to spot problems before they become problems. That realization hit hard recently and forced me to sit with some uncomfortable truths. One of the biggest lessons I am learning is that I cannot please everyone. Trying to do that only pulls me further away from myself.

I miss texts sometimes. I miss notifying people about things. Not out of disrespect, but because my focus is locked in on building something sustainable. This structure is still new to me. I did not wake up one day perfectly organized with everything balanced. I am learning as I go. With structure comes expectation. People notice when you miss something, and sometimes they hold it against you, even when there is no bad intent.

Right now, my morale is low. My confidence took a hit. A lot of it traces back to what happened while I was in Ethiopia.

I do not say this lightly. Getting sick over there changed me.

Physically, I am better. Mentally, it did something to me that I am still unpacking. It was terrifying. I genuinely felt like my life was at risk. If my fiancee and her mom had not acted as fast as they did, I do not know how things would have turned out. That experience shook me in ways I do not think people always understand or know how to respond to, so I do not try to explain it much anymore.

Despite that, I want to be clear. Ethiopia was beautiful. The people were kind. The hospitality was unmatched. That experience does not change how I feel about the place. It just marked a turning point for me personally.

Since then, I have noticed I am more on edge. More impatient with wasted time. More sensitive to setbacks. My sleep is still off. I wake up at odd hours. I am rebuilding routines that used to feel automatic. I am trying to give myself grace while still holding myself accountable.

Pivoting is part of growth. It is not failure. It means you saw something that was not working and chose to adjust instead of standing still. Some people will understand that. Some will not. Either way, movement matters more than approval.

Right now, I am figuring out how to pull myself out of this slump. How to regain momentum without pretending everything is fine. Near life ending experiences change you. They strip away illusions. When that happens, rebuilding yourself takes time.

This is where I am at.

Thanks for reading.